D’oh! Mile High Miracle: Homer Simpson and the Broncos vie for Super Bowl LX

In 1996, Homer Simpson’s boss, Montgomery Burns, gifted him the Denver Broncos NFL football team. The transaction disrupted the space-time continuum and changed Homer’s relationship with hot dogs forever.

Gifted, like a bowling ball with your name already engraved on it, except this Brunswick came with John Elway and a destiny.

Shortly thereafter, the Broncos won Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII.

Coincidence? The NFL says yes. The Simpsons prophecy industrial complex says absolutely not. Let’s review the facts.

  • 1996: Homer becomes the owner of the Denver Broncos after Burns gets bored.
  • 1997 & 1998: Broncos win back-to-back Super Bowls.
  • 2018: Broncos win Super Bowl L (That’s 50, not Large) behind Peyton Manning.
  • 2022: The Walton-Penner group buys out Homer. He keeps a minority stake, along with Condoleezza Rice.

The Broncos have been playing the long game. There have been ups (Super Bowl 50) and downs (14 starting quarterbacks and five head coaches) since Peyton Manning retired. The Broncos have been fermenting, like bleu cheese in a dark cave.

Now the Roquefort is ready for the charcuterie board.

Enter Super Bowl LX (That’s 60, not extra large)

Super Bowl LX arrives, and suddenly the Denver Broncos are back on the biggest return attraction in football, like the Eagles’ “Hell Freezes Over” comeback tour, which was the first event played at the brand new Invesco Field at Mile High in 1995.

Who owned the team then?

Homer Simpson.

Homer’s Front Office Philosophy

How did the Homer-owned Broncos get this far? He ran the team using three principles:

  1. Always draft the best player with the coolest name (Bo Nix). 
  2. Timeouts are for snacks (30-second timeouts last four minutes).
  3. Rely on advanced vibes (Nine consecutive come-back wins).

Sources say every major decision this season was finalized after Homer asked:

“What’s the name of our kicker, again?”

Curse or Blessing?

For years, fans wondered if Homer’s ownership was a curse. The team wandered. Quarterbacks came and went. Coaches aged visibly on the sideline.

True Simpsons scholars know:

  • The show never predicts things immediately. It lets them marinate.
  • Trump presidency. Smartwatches. Disney owns everything.
  • You think the Broncos were going to peak right away again?

This is television-level foreshadowing.

Homer was a blessing.

Mile High Meets Springfield

As Super Bowl LX approaches, expect the following:

  • Homer mistakes the Lombardi Trophy for a large Hershey kiss and tries to eat it.
  • Bart and Taylor Swift call audibles from the Simpson party suite.
  • Lisa runs the analytics department for Fan Duel
  • Marge reminds everyone to “just have fun out there.”
  • Mr. Burns leans forward in his box seat and whispers, “Excellent.”

Final Prediction

Will the Walton-Penner-Simpson-owned Broncos win Super Bowl LX?

If they do, remember this. It was foretold in 1996 and powered by chaos, nacho cheese, and blind optimism.

D’oh, Broncos!

Falcons over the Pats, ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that!’

elway xxxiii

Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway in Super Bowl XXXIII

There doesn’t seem the be much hoopla around Super Bowl LI. It could be because the Broncos aren’t playing this year, but all the news channels have better stuff to cover these days.

My cohousing community will likely have a Super Bowl party in the common house. I’m not much of a Patriots fan, but Tom Brady has bridged the comings and goings of lots of players and he is part of a winning formula – six Super Bowl appearances and four rings? A fifth will be amazing.

As for the Falcons, I’ll be silently hoping they win. When they handled the Broncos during the regular season, it was clear Atlanta had a pretty good team and have played well the entire season.

The Falcons played in one other big game – Super Bowl XXXIII against John Elway and Broncos, which brings me to my story.

In 1999, I was doing some consulting work for a non-profit in Boulder called Rock the Planet that used mountain climbing as a metaphor for positive youth development. The group sent me on a field trip to attend a climbing wall convention in New York City.

It was the dead of winter. I made arrangements to stay with one of my college classmates who still lives on the Upper Westside between Broadway and Central Park on 72nd. It’s between the 72nd and Broadway Station  and the Dakota.

A couple days before my visit, he called and said he was deathly ill with a cold and made arrangements for me to stay at one of his friend’s short term rentals in Greenwich Village.

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The view of Christopher from my apartment on Super Bowl Sunday 1999.

I arrived and was greeted by Jon who escorted me to the little studio, that he rented to me for a couple hundred bucks for the weekend. It was cozy but cold. By the time the steam heated up the small place, it was time for me to leave.

I don’t recall anything about the meeting I attended, but it was Super Bowl Sunday and the Broncos were playing. I didn’t know the neighborhood that well, since I normally stay a little further uptown at the Hotel Pennsylvania.

Below my apartment was a bar – or what looked like a bar. There wasn’t a prominent sign. Since neither of the New York teams were playing, I suspected the crowd would be light.

When I walked through the door, the place was rocking – loud music, people dancing. There was a TV behind the bar. I elbowed my way through the crowd, and sat down on an empty stool and ordered a beer. I asked the bartender to put on the game.

Meanwhile a couple guys walked over and sat down and struck up a conversation wondering what I was doing there. We had a couple laughs before they disappeared into the crowd.

Eventually, I noticed that the bar was not only full of mostly men, which wasn’t unusual, but there were men dancing with men and guys making out with guys in the booths.

Stonewall1

The Stonewall Inn was ground zero for the modern day gay rights movement.

Turned out, I had stumbled upon the infamous and now famous Stonewall Inn. Back in the summer of 1969, it became the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement.

In those days, police routinely raided gay bars, but on June 28th of that year, nobody cooperated and a riot broke out. The following morning thousands joined a protest on Christopher Street.

In 1973 when on a college class trip to Washington DC for Nixon’s inauguration, a group of us were led by a classmate from another Nebraska school into a bar in Georgetown. That was my first gay bar experience as a doe-eyed kid from Wyoming at school in Nebraska. It was also the only time I was in a crowd dispersed by tear gas – there were countless demonstrations protesting the secret bombings of Cambodia.

Lots happened during Nixon’s inauguration. Roe v. Wade was decided, LBJ died, I was tear gassed and went into a gay bar.

Back in the late 1980s when I was living in Lander, Wyoming, I was out drinking with a buddy. After the bars closed we went over to his place. That was the first and only time I had been propositioned by a man. I told him I prefer women. He made it sound like being gay was a choice and tried to talk me into it,  “You might like it,” he said.

I told him I prefer women.

That was that.

Not hearing from any of my neighbors, I’ll put out the invite for the Super Bowl gathering and figure out a few gluten-free, vegetarian, no dairy snacks to serve up.

Red or white?

By the way, the Stonewall was hoppin’ by the time the confetti was flying at the end of Super Bowl XXXIII. I was the only one in the housoe who cared that the Broncos beat the Atlanta Falcons 34 – 19. I got on the train and went uptown to Sardi’s to celebrate.