Born on the 1st Saturday in May

I didn’t just show up on May 2nd. I arrived with hooves thundering in the background.

The 79th running of the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs provided a dramatic soundtrack for my birthday. Between the starting gate and the finish line, I made my entrance into the world. Timing, as I would later learn, is everything, especially if you’re betting on it.

My dad, meanwhile, had money riding on the favorite, Native Dancer. This wasn’t the polished, app-based gambling world we know today. No sleek interfaces or “deposit bonus” nonsense. 

This was Cheyenne, Wyoming, where a guy would stroll into local businesses like he was delivering office supplies, except he was taking bets. Completely illegal but completely trusted.

Dad also dabbled in Irish Sweepstakes tickets, which were as legal as robbing a bank but with better branding. I don’t recall him ever hitting it big, but that never seemed to matter. He was a gambling man in the purest sense, not chasing riches, but the action and the thrill.

Then came the race. On the left is a photo taken on May 2, 1953, of Dark Star in the winner’s circle.

Native Dancer looked like a sure thing. If there’s one thing horse racing stories have, it’s a good plot twist. Dark Star, a longshot with a name that sounds like a rejected Batman villain, surged at the wire and won by a neck.

Just like that, my dad lost his bet, and just like that, I was born into a world where the favorite doesn’t always win.

That’s a fitting origin story.

By the time I turned 19, the legal drinking age at the time, Kentucky Derby Day had officially leapfrogged Christmas as my favorite holiday. Mint juleps replaced the tree and presents.

Back in the day, before gambling went respectable and crossed state lines, I had to work for it. I tracked down off-track betting joints, like the Stampede in Aurora, Colorado,  like a guy following a treasure map. I walked in, placed a bet, grabbed a drink, and for two minutes I was a part of the race action.

These days, I’ve scaled it back. On my birthday this year, the bookie and my upstairs neighbor, Lindy, organized a casual race pool. This year I drew the 22 horse, Ocialia, that showed and won $3. The ritual hits the same. 73 years later. The call to the post, the crowd, the faint hope that I drew the winning horse.

If my Kentucky Derby birthday taught me anything, it’s that favorites are comforting, and longshots are interesting. Life has a funny way of siding with the Dark Stars of the world.

D’oh! Mile High Miracle: Homer Simpson and the Broncos vie for Super Bowl LX

In 1996, Homer Simpson’s boss, Montgomery Burns, gifted him the Denver Broncos NFL football team. The transaction disrupted the space-time continuum and changed Homer’s relationship with hot dogs forever.

Gifted, like a bowling ball with your name already engraved on it, except this Brunswick came with John Elway and a destiny.

Shortly thereafter, the Broncos won Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII.

Coincidence? The NFL says yes. The Simpsons prophecy industrial complex says absolutely not. Let’s review the facts.

  • 1996: Homer becomes the owner of the Denver Broncos after Burns gets bored.
  • 1997 & 1998: Broncos win back-to-back Super Bowls.
  • 2018: Broncos win Super Bowl L (That’s 50, not Large) behind Peyton Manning.
  • 2022: The Walton-Penner group buys out Homer. He keeps a minority stake, along with Condoleezza Rice.

The Broncos have been playing the long game. There have been ups (Super Bowl 50) and downs (14 starting quarterbacks and five head coaches) since Peyton Manning retired. The Broncos have been fermenting, like bleu cheese in a dark cave.

Now the Roquefort is ready for the charcuterie board.

Enter Super Bowl LX (That’s 60, not extra large)

Super Bowl LX arrives, and suddenly the Denver Broncos are back on the biggest return attraction in football, like the Eagles’ “Hell Freezes Over” comeback tour, which was the first event played at the brand new Invesco Field at Mile High in 1995.

Who owned the team then?

Homer Simpson.

Homer’s Front Office Philosophy

How did the Homer-owned Broncos get this far? He ran the team using three principles:

  1. Always draft the best player with the coolest name (Bo Nix). 
  2. Timeouts are for snacks (30-second timeouts last four minutes).
  3. Rely on advanced vibes (Nine consecutive come-back wins).

Sources say every major decision this season was finalized after Homer asked:

“What’s the name of our kicker, again?”

Curse or Blessing?

For years, fans wondered if Homer’s ownership was a curse. The team wandered. Quarterbacks came and went. Coaches aged visibly on the sideline.

True Simpsons scholars know:

  • The show never predicts things immediately. It lets them marinate.
  • Trump presidency. Smartwatches. Disney owns everything.
  • You think the Broncos were going to peak right away again?

This is television-level foreshadowing.

Homer was a blessing.

Mile High Meets Springfield

As Super Bowl LX approaches, expect the following:

  • Homer mistakes the Lombardi Trophy for a large Hershey kiss and tries to eat it.
  • Bart and Taylor Swift call audibles from the Simpson party suite.
  • Lisa runs the analytics department for Fan Duel
  • Marge reminds everyone to “just have fun out there.”
  • Mr. Burns leans forward in his box seat and whispers, “Excellent.”

Final Prediction

Will the Walton-Penner-Simpson-owned Broncos win Super Bowl LX?

If they do, remember this. It was foretold in 1996 and powered by chaos, nacho cheese, and blind optimism.

D’oh, Broncos!