Part I – Diverse Personalities: Do you proactively de-escalate disruptive people in your life?

arcosanti wide

CoHoUSA is presenting a retreat September 30 – October 2 called “Dealing with Diverse Personalities in Community” at Arcosanti. Click on the image to learn more about  and register for the $175.00 retreat.

Arcosanti, Arizona is an experimental community between Flagstaff and Phoenix built by a bunch of volunteers to demonstrate sustainable alternatives to urban sprawl and also the home to a bronze bell foundry.

September 30 to October 3 Arcosanti will be the location for another experiment of sorts as the venue for the “Dealing with Diverse Personalities in Community” retreat facilitated by Jeff Zucker and myself.

“De-escalation”has been in the news lately.

Our retreat will concentrate on how individuals within communities of any ilk can learn some skills about exploring the roots of their own diverse personalities, how to become aware of others’ diverse personality traits and how to de-escalate when personalities clash.

Regardless of your community – be it in your workplace, neighborhood, place of worship – all members have personalities and quirks that are annoying or pleasant with endless traits in between.

chickendifficultAt some point in our lives, we’ve likely been annoyed by someone or been the one annoying someone else.

I live in a cohousing community which, I’m finding, is an endless source of personality war stories. I spend a very small part of my time in cohousing mode, but last week, there was a huge blow up over a festering issue.

The unsuspecting target wandered by and offered salutations only to be greeted by one retaliator who had multi-faceted tension building up in him about the ‘inciting incident’ before letting loose with a vulgar verbal barrage. A second retaliator exchanged a few words and walked away.

There were a number of bystanders, a couple intervened from a far, but that didn’t slow him down. Another in the conversation tried to establish a boundary to no avail and left.

While sympathetic to the retaliator’s perspective on the issue, I didn’t gang up on the target, but rather, intervened and sent the target on his way which ended the incident. I later went up and talked to him about what happened, and what I viewed as elements of the perfect storm that triggered it.

This was an eye opener for me. I had heard about community skirmishes, but this is the first time I’d been in the middle of one.  The timing and circumstances that brought a particular group of otherwise good people together in one spot, caused this violent outburst and what might have prevented it would be a good case study.

I can see how a routine traffic stop can escalate into gunfire between cop and citizen.

The skirmish ended, but the issues and hard feelings continue to be proverbial elephants in the room, ignored until the next perfect storm brews.

It’s impossible to predict when personality flareups will happen and the Arcosanti retreat will provide participants with three workshops purveyed by hands-on activities, visual and audio presentations about how to be better prepared for community social emergencies. Each participant will also develop an action plan to take with them.

Not only will it be information packed, but the weekend is guaranteed to provide a good time for all!

The Spirit of Culture: Is diversity highly over rated? 

Click on the banner to read the full conference schedule.

Diversity, inclusiveness, cultural competency: are they just feel good buzz words?

Do they result in big benefits or big hassles in the long run?

I don’t know anyone who is AGAINST the tenets of equality and fair play in the abstract.

I don’t know anyone who considers themselves a “racist” but we’ll also talk about the roots of violence and privilege that play out in the 24 hour news cycle of today and enable bad behavior in smaller communities.

I’m leading a workshop at the “Aging Better Together” conference in Salt Lake City May 20-21 called “The Spirit of Culture” which addresses inclusion and diversity from first person perspectives – your prespectives.

Here’s a link to the slide presentation I’ll be making at the conference.

We’ll work as a group and as individuals while thinking back about our upbringing, the people of influence in our lives and how we can understand ourselves to better relate to others.

A cohousing community is a unique social construct that isn’t inherently in the American cultural DNA.

Another topic we’ll discuss in the context of cohousing is that of affordability – the types and prices of housing and the persons and families who live in them.

Workshoppers will leave some tips and exercises they can share with their communities.

This will be the most important workshop you’ll attend – if you dare.

Book a screening – ‘Aging Gratefully: The Power of Community’

Boulder Senior Cohousing Communities

BOULDER, CO – SEPTEMBER 2: Lindy Cook and Alan O’Hashi pull weeds from the garden of the community with other residents. The active adult cohousing community for those 55 or older is setup like a usual condo community with every person having their own place, but the sense of community is what is unique. (Photo By Brent Lewis/The Denver Post)

I recently completed a new documentary about aging together. What happens when 25 senior citizens – the subjects of “Aging Gratefully: The Power of Community” (TRT 51min) – decide to form a cohousing community?

You can keep up with the latest on the facebook page. The 16min preview version is available to give an idea as to the content.

I live in a cohousing community called Silver Sage Village in North Boulder, Colorado. The film provides insights from six of my neighbors about their experiences and perspectives about growing old together. Everyone here is over 50 years of age.

How did the movie come into being?

Cohousing is a collaborative living arrangement. Residents own their own homes, live private lives but share in the ownership and upkeep of common spaces such the garden and common house.

It’s a challenging way to live, but living together more intentionally is a hedge against being alone and isolated through the twilight years of life.

In May, my next door neighbor’s Henry and Jean Kroll were facing the prospects of dementia which was later confirmed as Alzheimer’s Disease. After seven years, Jean had to move into a long term nursing care institution. Soon thereafter, my up stairs neighbor Gere Young was moved by her family into an assisted living facility.

Meanwhile, another resident moved and sold her place to a women with a debilitating health issue.

Times are changing at Silver Sage Village.

There there’s my story, which I’ve written extensively about in these pages.  I faced a huge lifestyle change when I landed in the hospital two years ago on December 16h. I had a rare lung disease, couldn’t walk, was on a respirator. On top of that I developed a septic ulcer that was repaired. I made it home six weeks later.

Having to regain my strength and flexibility, I joined a yoga studio. I didn’t know much about yoga but one of my teachers gave a darma talk about the importance of community and how we are members of many communities that help us navigate through life.

That was the nexus of the movie – where community meets individual choice and the balance that must be struck between the two.

I put out a casting call and was surprised that I heard from so many men, but I wanted to focus on my neighbors who have or have had life changes while at Silver Sage Village. Dan Knifong has Parkinson’s, Jean has Alzheiemers, Jim’s wife Brownie is currently in rehab with an unknown nervous condition, any myself. Two others have mostly been in support roles.

The National Cohousing Conference happened in Durham, NC and I decided to attend at the last minute. I am new to the CoHo USA board and wanted to meet my colleagues, and see if there would be any interesting people there to interview.

I ended up talking with a gerontologist named Anne Glass from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington and architect Chuck Durrett who is credited with bringing cohousing to the United States.

I wanted to find out about their theoretical ideas and see how they match up with real world experiences and perceptions of current senior cohousers.

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The interviews were conducted by a colleague of mine Mary Ann Williamson. I wanted to keep arms-length from my neighbors hoping to get more frank information from them.

Through my reflections, I recount my continuing recovery and weave those experiences with the perspectives of neighbors with Parkinson’s Disease, Alzheimer’s Disease and those who find themselves in supportive neighborly care giving roles.

henry jean bday

Henry and Jean Kroll celebrate Henry’s birthday at a recent Silver Sage Village community event.

 Many thanks to my friends and colleagues Michael Conti and Chris Barrera who filmed the opening scene at the Little Yoga Studio.

Silver Sage Village residents:
– Lindy Cook (nurse)
– John Huyler (facilitator)

– Henry and Jean Kroll (retired PBS staff)
– Dan Knifong (retired professor)
– Jim Leach (Silver Sage Village developer)
– Alan O’Hashi (filmmaker)
Margaret Porter (retired federal government)

Also Appearing:
– Anne Glass phD (University of North Carolina Wilmington)
– Chuck Durrett AIA (The Cohousing Company)
– Larissa Ortiz (teacher The Little Yoga Studio)

Since showing the first cut to my neighbors on December 16th – the second anniversary of being hauled by ambulance to the hospital – “Aging Gratefully” has received a bit of buzz. I have a May 2016 screening in Salt Lake City; a screening in the San Francisco bay area in the spring and invited to show it in Glasgow, Scotland.

Now I have to finish the thing!