Category Archives: Alan’s stories 2026

D’oh! Mile High Miracle: Homer Simpson and the Broncos vie for Super Bowl LX

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In 1996, Homer Simpson’s boss, Montgomery Burns, gifted him the Denver Broncos NFL football team. The transaction disrupted the space-time continuum and changed Homer’s relationship with hot dogs forever.

Gifted, like a bowling ball with your name already engraved on it, except this Brunswick came with John Elway and a destiny.

Shortly thereafter, the Broncos won Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII.

Coincidence? The NFL says yes. The Simpsons prophecy industrial complex says absolutely not. Let’s review the facts.

  • 1996: Homer becomes the owner of the Denver Broncos after Burns gets bored.
  • 1997 & 1998: Broncos win back-to-back Super Bowls.
  • 2018: Broncos win Super Bowl L (That’s 50, not Large) behind Peyton Manning.
  • 2022: The Walton-Penner group buys out Homer. He keeps a minority stake, along with Condoleezza Rice.

The Broncos have been playing the long game. There have been ups (Super Bowl 50) and downs (14 starting quarterbacks and five head coaches) since Peyton Manning retired. The Broncos have been fermenting, like bleu cheese in a dark cave.

Now the Roquefort is ready for the charcuterie board.

Enter Super Bowl LX (That’s 60, not extra large)

Super Bowl LX arrives, and suddenly the Denver Broncos are back on the biggest return attraction in football, like the Eagles’ “Hell Freezes Over” comeback tour, which was the first event played at the brand new Invesco Field at Mile High in 1995.

Who owned the team then?

Homer Simpson.

Homer’s Front Office Philosophy

How did the Homer-owned Broncos get this far? He ran the team using three principles:

  1. Always draft the best player with the coolest name (Bo Nix). 
  2. Timeouts are for snacks (30-second timeouts last four minutes).
  3. Rely on advanced vibes (Nine consecutive come-back wins).

Sources say every major decision this season was finalized after Homer asked:

“What’s the name of our kicker, again?”

Curse or Blessing?

For years, fans wondered if Homer’s ownership was a curse. The team wandered. Quarterbacks came and went. Coaches aged visibly on the sideline.

True Simpsons scholars know:

  • The show never predicts things immediately. It lets them marinate.
  • Trump presidency. Smartwatches. Disney owns everything.
  • You think the Broncos were going to peak right away again?

This is television-level foreshadowing.

Homer was a blessing.

Mile High Meets Springfield

As Super Bowl LX approaches, expect the following:

  • Homer mistakes the Lombardi Trophy for a large Hershey kiss and tries to eat it.
  • Bart and Taylor Swift call audibles from the Simpson party suite.
  • Lisa runs the analytics department for Fan Duel
  • Marge reminds everyone to “just have fun out there.”
  • Mr. Burns leans forward in his box seat and whispers, “Excellent.”

Final Prediction

Will the Walton-Penner-Simpson-owned Broncos win Super Bowl LX?

If they do, remember this. It was foretold in 1996 and powered by chaos, nacho cheese, and blind optimism.

D’oh, Broncos!

Are Venezuela and the U.S. reenacting ‘The Capybara that Roared?’

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Do you remember reading “The Mouse that Roared,” a 1955 novel in high school English class? In the book, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, faced with bankruptcy, decides to declare war on the United States. The plan was to surrender immediately and then reap Marshall Plan reconstruction cash.

The Capybara that Roared

Lately, watching the diplomatic fireworks between Caracas and Washington feels like a geopolitical crisis and a high-stakes remake of Leonard Wibberly’s story that I call, “The Capybara that Roared.” Capybaras are big rodents native to Venezuela.

In the novel, Grand Fenwick’s army is a handful of guys with longbows. Venezuela, of course, has a real military and world-class oil reserves, but the theatre is similar.

When a nation, like Venezuela,with a struggling economy spends its time calling the world’s largest military power an ailing empire it’s looking for a dogfight and to create foreign policy.

In the book, Grand Fenwick accidentally wins because they stumble upon a weapon so powerful it forces the U.S. to take them seriously.

Venezuela has its own secret weapon inviting Russia, China, and Iran to the party, ensuring that a local dispute  becomes a global catastrophe.

It’s the ultimate “don’t make me call my big brothers” scenario, which turned a bankrupt nation into a strategic centerpiece the U.S. could no longer ignore.

The Eagle lost its patience, swooped into Caracas with cinematic bravado,  and kidnapped President Maduro and his wife.

In an action movie, that’s when the credits roll. In “The Capybara that Roared,” that’s when the story begins.

The ousted President sits in a holding cell sh!thole complaining about the food. 

Back in Caracas, instead of planning a counter-strike, Maduro’s insiders frantically mail the U.S. Treasury, a massive stack of unpaid oil well repair bills, a list of crumbling bridges, and a formal invitation to the “Grand Opening of the 51st State.”

The U.S. spoils of conquest include more oil reserves than Saudi Arabia. On top of that, unreliable electricity and broken down oil extraction infrastructure, force America to withdraw.

The oil wasn’t worth 30 million new dependents demanding Medicaid and SNAP benefits – “Peace with Honor.”

Combat Merry Christmas Season: Tips to Beat MCS This Holiday

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… city sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style… deck the halls… Yes, the hustle and bustle of the festive season is upon us once again.

One of the town’s radio stations has been blaring holiday music for weeks. iPhone Christmas playlists are on repeat.

The pleasant aromas of fruitcakes and mince meat pies drifting from grandma’s house add to the yuletide atmosphere.

Norman Rockwellian scenes appear as woolen-clad youngsters anxiously peer into candy store windows while the tintinnabulation of the Salvation Army Santa bells rings in the background.

Although the times are filled with happiness and joy, many are stricken by a serious condition known as Merry Christmas Season — MCS, the crippler of young adults.

You may be stricken by MCS if you get in a fight on Black Friday.
You may be stricken by MCS if you get in a fight on Black Friday.

MCS is caused by receiving 10 or more LL Bean catalogs a week before election day and overexposure to large doses of Christmas decorations during Thanksgiving week.

Early diagnosis will rid the population of this dreaded affliction. To combat the spread of MCS, the American Merry Christmas Season Association has issued these four warning signals:

1. Coughing or shortness of breath while running across the store to take advantage of the pre-Black Friday X-Box special. This symptom reveals a decline in the stamina needed to put tinsel on the tree one strand at a time, not in clumps of 10 or more. Although this respiratory ailment may be caused by an allergic reaction to mistletoe or mulled wine, it’s best to get checked out.

2. The presence of a lump in your throat or elsewhere when a Craftsman Max Access Power Wrench, the Personal Pedi, or some other gift advertisement with the personal touch pops up on your Facebook feed. If you can’t resist, hurry out and buy an iPad, or the equivalent. If you don’t have that kind of cash, go on Wheel of Fortune and buy a vowel.

3. An eyesore that does not heal after you have decorated your home with more flashing lights than Caesar’s Palace, hired a troupe of actors to depict the Nativity and enticed reindeer into your yard with salt blocks. To aid the rehabilitation process, have a winter garage sale and sell your house and garage.

4. A change in shopping or mail habits noticed when you’re sending out 500 Christmas cards to take advantage of bulk postage rates. After you buy your plump butterball turkey, did you ask the clerk to wrap it in something suitable for a five-year-old? Chronic signs could be developing.

If any of these warning signs persist more than a week after Veterans Day, see your counselor. MCS strikes 1 out of 3 people. Think of your two closest friends, and if they seem okay, then it must be you!

Remember the American Merry Christmas Association this holiday season, and give early and often to maximize IRS tax benefits.